New Employee Handbook

NEW EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well finnancially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! The Management ======================================================== I don't know about this company anymore. I think it's time for me to look else where for some new employment !! Perhaps one day, they will realize that *round* is considered a shape too !! Regards EVIL Teken . . .

You need to add to the dress code part about

teken wrote: If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well finnancially and therefore do not need a raise.

It should also state in this that if you are found wearing these you will also be fired and prosecuted for theft.Certified Security Specialist

Always check info with a digital multimeter.

I promise to be good.

Tell Darwin I sent you.

I've been sick lately, sorry I won't be on much.

Ahhh... reminds me of the good ole' days when I wired limos and hearses for a living. Now, pardon me while I reflexively curl up in a fetal position, sucking my thumb and softly cry for Mommy.